Here are some pictures of Johnny the Squirrel from 2006...I miss this little guy.
and yes, that's me with the long blonde hair...I'm going to go back to it (but make it look better, of course.)
Enjoy!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
I'm A Huge Mess.
Yep, the title says it all..I'm a huge mess. I think I am an insane Bi-Polar crazy child. No one should talk to me. I am Drama. Example: The last blog post.
I just want to say how sorry I am if I hurt any of my friend's feelings, it was just a huge rant about how I feel all the time. it's not something that can be stopped. This horrible horrible feeling I have of not trusting my friends is something I don't think will ever be changed. And I don't think there will ever be a way to forget my horrible past. So, hopefully my friends understand that I am scarred for life and I hope they can understand that I obviously get offended by the slightest things...and I take it to the wrong level...so for that, I'm sorry.
anyway...let's get positive, here! Haha.
uhhmm...poitive..hmm...I SAW RENT AT THE PANTAGES! Holy Eff, that was just way too amazing. I sadly don't remember much...but that's what I get for having memory loss most of the time...BUT! I DID MEET ANTHONY RAPP (Jesus)So the show ended and everyone mobbed around the backstage area of the theatre.And mother was saying she was cold and tired. I said 'I will wait in the cold for hours and let you sleep in the warm car until I meet them! PLEASE?!' And she was saying no so I was like 'fine...but if I see adam or anthony I will jump out of this car, just so you know.' I was kidding though...sort of. But amanda called and wanted to know what the name of a song was and it took us 5 min to figure it out. Once that was done, we started leaving the parking lot, until I saw flashes from the mob...and a tall blonde boy...'ADAM!!!! IT'S ADAM!!!' We debated if I should jump out of the car and I did. =) I ran into traffic to get to the line and had Adam's CD in hand ready for being signed and was all excited because he was RIGHT there!! I was about to meet him but then a bunch of stupid bitches cut me and he signed their stuff and then said 'bye everyone!' And left us all alone. =( I didn't even get to take pictures OF him because my stupid camera died! Humph...stupid bitches and stupid camera.BUT!!! I was thinking 'okay..I'll go then...' Until I heard someone say 'oh hey! Anthony!' And I thought 'NEVERMIND!' Even though I didn't have anything he could sign except Adams CD...but he came up to me and the conversation went like this:
Me: hi! Sign?
Him: sure! Wait...this is Adam's!
Me: I know...I didn't have enough time to grab something for you to sign because I jumped out of the car and ran in the traffic!
Him: you jumped out of the car?!
Me: yep! I saw adam and jumped!
Him: wow!
Me: yes. This is insane! (The line)
Him: yes it is!
Me: you're okay with it? Or you're used to hundreds of people yelling for you??
Him: yes, actually! I like it A LOT!
Me: well, that's good that you love your job!
Him: I do!!
And then dudes told him time to go and he said 'bye!' And I said 'byee-ee!' And he gave a big smile and walked off.=D
It's kind of annoying to have Adam Pascal's CD signed by Anthony Rapp...but hey, Anthony's signature is just a big squibbles so I could SAY it's Adam's...but i just told you it's Anthony's...damnit.
uhmm, we took Maxie to the vet the same day of RENT (Friday) and we got him tested for all those things like FIV (HIV for cats) and other diseases....he got all negatives! We have to give him a bunch of medication though...but it's okay...he's done weezing! he just snores now but it's okay. =) Makes me worried when I don't hear the weezing, I think he's not breathing and he's dead and I freak out and have to bother him to make sure he's alive. I don't think he's happy about that.
But here's some pictures from his trip to the vet. He hates it there and finds it fun to claw any of the people who work there. isn't he a sweetie?!
But anyway...I don't really know what else to tell...I went to the Museum of Tolerance on march 3rd...that was ahmazing. I've wanted to go there since I was in 4th grade. So great to be able to go. =D
I've been listening to a lot of new music and trying to find new books to read, the next blog I will tell you a bunch of bands you need to be listening to with a download to one of my favourite songs from them...sounds fair? I wish I had photos to share...but I don't get out enuff to take any, sadly. =[ but I'll find something and post it. promise!
But anyway, if you have any bands I am in need of listening to...or Books I should be reading...let me know..I need something distracting so I won't go insane and post another blog like the previous one. =]
toodles!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The Friend Nobody Likes.
Yes...once again, I'm in a pissy mood...time for a Rant. (There are pictures at the end of this...I promise!)
You know that little skit Dane Cook has called "The That Nobody Likes"? Don't? Listen to it HERE. Okay, so it's all about how in a group of friends, there is always ONE person that NOBODY likes and they keep them there to hate on them and when they're not arround, they talk about them and make fun of them. But, when they're around you treat them like they're you best friend. And I hate to admit it, but with every group of friend I've had since I was little, I've been the friend that nobody likes. I realized this in 2006 when I found out that my group of friends were talking shit about me behind my back calling me fattass and a slut and those other stupid rude words. But when I was with them, they treated me like their friend that they loved and you know...made me feel wanted. I found out about the backstabbing when they started talking about me in front of my face, giving me a secret name, Cassie...now I know, Cassie is a normal name...anyone in the school could've had that name, but they weren't friends with a Cassie and my nickname was KC at the time so it was really easy to figure out..but then for some reason...they just turned and got rid of the whole "Cassie" deal because I found out and just started bitching at me and saying everything to my face. They told my secrets to everyone. They continued to make fun of me and pointing at me and laughing to my face with people I didn't even know. They hatemailed me. They made me life a living hell and I couldn't trust anyone ever again. (That's middleschool for you.) So I gave up. I deleted my Myspace, I deleted my AIM. I basically did nothing but starve myself and stay up late at night doing nothing and staying inside all day during the Summer...I wanted nothing to do with anyone and I tried really hard to forget I had to go back to school in September. When school started, two of the three people who backstabbed me forgave me and I felt a little happy and was still unsure if I could trust them. But I became friends with them anyway because I didn't want to be the loner in the school, I couldn't stand being one of the outsiders. After a while, the last girl who i didn't talk to at all wanted to be my friend again and would talk to me through the two girls I was friends with again and I gave in and said "fine" and we talked and had an awkward conversation and became friends again. I don't really understand how after three months, we all became cool again...but we did. Around Winter, I realized they would still talk about me and continue to use the code name "Cassie". This time, I kept to myself....I wouldn't tell them anything secret but I would still be their friends and LET them take advantage of me. I didn't care, I'd rather have friends that treated me like dirt than have no friends at all. But in the Spring, I had it....they started ditching me and hanging out with other people, leaving me to just hang out with the Teachers in their classrooms. One of my old friends, Sara told me about her homeschooling thing she was doing, and I got interested. So I then went ahead and begged my mom to sign me up and I was set to go. I then left the school in March of 2007 and left all the drama behind....sort of. I still saw one of the girls and still talked to her, but as the months went by, I lost touch with her. I didn't see her at ALL in 2008 except for the rare times we'd drive by and I'd see her and get a horrible feeling in my stomach. I actually a few months walked right by one of the girls and she didn't remember me at all...I guess the whole hair change worked out.
Now, I told this story to you because it has to do with what's going on lately....I thought when I met my new group of friends, that I could trust them...they didn't seem like the kind to backstab me...i mean fuck...they're from ages 17-22....they're smarter and more "mature" than the 14 and 15 year olds now a days...So I felt that they wouldn't hurt me or anything. Sure, make fun of me being the baby of the group...I CAN TAKE THAT! But...it's just seems like it's all getting out of hand with the jokes. I will admit I have VERY VERY LOW self-esteem...and I admit I do not trust either one of my friends as much as I'd like to...and I admit I am far too loyal for most of them. After the whole 2006 thing, I've been defending myself and holding my head up high and you know, not letting anyone control me! I've been doing GREAT with that!! I was so proud of myself. But these past couple of months, I've noticed it's starting all over again..I'm letting my friends take advantage of my loyalty. I'm letting them trash talk me. I'm letting them laugh and make fun of me. I'm letting them comment each other making fun of me. When did I lose all my confidence and when did I drop my head? I guess I thought it was too good to be true that I could have friends that wouldn't do this to me..or I guess that I'm just so desperate to have friendd that I don't care about how badly I'm treated, as long as I have their "friendship". I mean seriously, what's wrong with me? I need to start standing up for myself. I need to learn to say no. I need to start finding out who is a real friend and who's just my friend for what I have or am willing to give to them for their friendship. I need to learn to not be so open. I need to learn when to, as my mom says, "flush people out of my life". I need to....I need to get away from everyone and everything. Maybe that's why I'm so desperate to go visit my Aunt in Occidental...It's far away from everyone and it's in the middle of nowhere in Northern California. Not just going for the diet and exercise to take pretty pictures for you people that come to my strange stupid blog and my flickr...but to get away from the people I'm scared will hurt me...
That's it...I'm scared. I'm scared that if any of these friendships go on or one of these frienships turn out to be a lie and they backstab me, I will lose ALL self-esteem and the possibility of ever trusting someone again....I'm scared I will let the loyalty abuse get too far that it hurts me not just emotionally, but physically. I'm just freaking scared of friendships and much more, relationships. I feel like the only person I can trust is my mom and my sisters.
I...I just wish that I could somehow in the future have good enough friends that will want to be with me on my birthday and I have a bunch of friends and we'd go to the beach and have a bon fire and just sit around laughing and the dumbest things and...being like our own special family. Like those highschool friends from TV shows, you know? Like Beverly Hills, 90210...they're there for each other for everything and they do everything together and their friendship is so strong nothing can break it.
I want one of my friends to plan out something and make a cute little video like this one. I mean...it's adorable! I want a little special thing that ALL of my friends put together. Like, a surprise party or something..I've given hints but I don't think they really understood how much I've wanted this for the longest time...
And to my friends who read this...please know it's not like I don't love you guys and girls...I really do, but I've been through way too much in only 14 little years and it's really upsetting that you all are so far away and that it's sad to think that I'm going to end up home again on my 15th birthday...most likely watching movies with my mom or just online doing nothing...or doing school even though it'll be Spring Break for pretty much everyone...
But whatever...I'm an emotional wreck right now...forgive me. I just need to let a lot of stuff out and everyone is too busy to bother or I just don't want to bother anyone with my crap so I just post here.
by the way! TO THE ENTRECARDERS!!! I AM SOOOOO SORRY FOR NOT DROPPING IN FOREVER! I'm not sure if I can continue to...I will try to find the time, I'm sorry!!!
here's some pictures I guess. go to my flickr for a LOT more..
You know that little skit Dane Cook has called "The That Nobody Likes"? Don't? Listen to it HERE. Okay, so it's all about how in a group of friends, there is always ONE person that NOBODY likes and they keep them there to hate on them and when they're not arround, they talk about them and make fun of them. But, when they're around you treat them like they're you best friend. And I hate to admit it, but with every group of friend I've had since I was little, I've been the friend that nobody likes. I realized this in 2006 when I found out that my group of friends were talking shit about me behind my back calling me fattass and a slut and those other stupid rude words. But when I was with them, they treated me like their friend that they loved and you know...made me feel wanted. I found out about the backstabbing when they started talking about me in front of my face, giving me a secret name, Cassie...now I know, Cassie is a normal name...anyone in the school could've had that name, but they weren't friends with a Cassie and my nickname was KC at the time so it was really easy to figure out..but then for some reason...they just turned and got rid of the whole "Cassie" deal because I found out and just started bitching at me and saying everything to my face. They told my secrets to everyone. They continued to make fun of me and pointing at me and laughing to my face with people I didn't even know. They hatemailed me. They made me life a living hell and I couldn't trust anyone ever again. (That's middleschool for you.) So I gave up. I deleted my Myspace, I deleted my AIM. I basically did nothing but starve myself and stay up late at night doing nothing and staying inside all day during the Summer...I wanted nothing to do with anyone and I tried really hard to forget I had to go back to school in September. When school started, two of the three people who backstabbed me forgave me and I felt a little happy and was still unsure if I could trust them. But I became friends with them anyway because I didn't want to be the loner in the school, I couldn't stand being one of the outsiders. After a while, the last girl who i didn't talk to at all wanted to be my friend again and would talk to me through the two girls I was friends with again and I gave in and said "fine" and we talked and had an awkward conversation and became friends again. I don't really understand how after three months, we all became cool again...but we did. Around Winter, I realized they would still talk about me and continue to use the code name "Cassie". This time, I kept to myself....I wouldn't tell them anything secret but I would still be their friends and LET them take advantage of me. I didn't care, I'd rather have friends that treated me like dirt than have no friends at all. But in the Spring, I had it....they started ditching me and hanging out with other people, leaving me to just hang out with the Teachers in their classrooms. One of my old friends, Sara told me about her homeschooling thing she was doing, and I got interested. So I then went ahead and begged my mom to sign me up and I was set to go. I then left the school in March of 2007 and left all the drama behind....sort of. I still saw one of the girls and still talked to her, but as the months went by, I lost touch with her. I didn't see her at ALL in 2008 except for the rare times we'd drive by and I'd see her and get a horrible feeling in my stomach. I actually a few months walked right by one of the girls and she didn't remember me at all...I guess the whole hair change worked out.
Now, I told this story to you because it has to do with what's going on lately....I thought when I met my new group of friends, that I could trust them...they didn't seem like the kind to backstab me...i mean fuck...they're from ages 17-22....they're smarter and more "mature" than the 14 and 15 year olds now a days...So I felt that they wouldn't hurt me or anything. Sure, make fun of me being the baby of the group...I CAN TAKE THAT! But...it's just seems like it's all getting out of hand with the jokes. I will admit I have VERY VERY LOW self-esteem...and I admit I do not trust either one of my friends as much as I'd like to...and I admit I am far too loyal for most of them. After the whole 2006 thing, I've been defending myself and holding my head up high and you know, not letting anyone control me! I've been doing GREAT with that!! I was so proud of myself. But these past couple of months, I've noticed it's starting all over again..I'm letting my friends take advantage of my loyalty. I'm letting them trash talk me. I'm letting them laugh and make fun of me. I'm letting them comment each other making fun of me. When did I lose all my confidence and when did I drop my head? I guess I thought it was too good to be true that I could have friends that wouldn't do this to me..or I guess that I'm just so desperate to have friendd that I don't care about how badly I'm treated, as long as I have their "friendship". I mean seriously, what's wrong with me? I need to start standing up for myself. I need to learn to say no. I need to start finding out who is a real friend and who's just my friend for what I have or am willing to give to them for their friendship. I need to learn to not be so open. I need to learn when to, as my mom says, "flush people out of my life". I need to....I need to get away from everyone and everything. Maybe that's why I'm so desperate to go visit my Aunt in Occidental...It's far away from everyone and it's in the middle of nowhere in Northern California. Not just going for the diet and exercise to take pretty pictures for you people that come to my strange stupid blog and my flickr...but to get away from the people I'm scared will hurt me...
That's it...I'm scared. I'm scared that if any of these friendships go on or one of these frienships turn out to be a lie and they backstab me, I will lose ALL self-esteem and the possibility of ever trusting someone again....I'm scared I will let the loyalty abuse get too far that it hurts me not just emotionally, but physically. I'm just freaking scared of friendships and much more, relationships. I feel like the only person I can trust is my mom and my sisters.
I...I just wish that I could somehow in the future have good enough friends that will want to be with me on my birthday and I have a bunch of friends and we'd go to the beach and have a bon fire and just sit around laughing and the dumbest things and...being like our own special family. Like those highschool friends from TV shows, you know? Like Beverly Hills, 90210...they're there for each other for everything and they do everything together and their friendship is so strong nothing can break it.
I want one of my friends to plan out something and make a cute little video like this one. I mean...it's adorable! I want a little special thing that ALL of my friends put together. Like, a surprise party or something..I've given hints but I don't think they really understood how much I've wanted this for the longest time...
And to my friends who read this...please know it's not like I don't love you guys and girls...I really do, but I've been through way too much in only 14 little years and it's really upsetting that you all are so far away and that it's sad to think that I'm going to end up home again on my 15th birthday...most likely watching movies with my mom or just online doing nothing...or doing school even though it'll be Spring Break for pretty much everyone...
But whatever...I'm an emotional wreck right now...forgive me. I just need to let a lot of stuff out and everyone is too busy to bother or I just don't want to bother anyone with my crap so I just post here.
by the way! TO THE ENTRECARDERS!!! I AM SOOOOO SORRY FOR NOT DROPPING IN FOREVER! I'm not sure if I can continue to...I will try to find the time, I'm sorry!!!
here's some pictures I guess. go to my flickr for a LOT more..
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