friendship

I have a big problem with friendships or any relationships for that matter. I'm a wreck at them. I used to be VERY friendly and very easy to be friends with and I'll say hi to everyone. Now? Now I am shy and pathetic and I become scared anytime I have a friend. Frienship is very important to me and I have to take certain steps in them. It's been about 5 or 6 years since I've actually been able to trust someone. 5 or 6 years ago i was in 4th or 5th grade. I'm almost done with 10th grade and I'm still not over everything that has happened in my life so far.

My mom is very good at letting go of people. She knows how to flush bad people out of her life. I admire her for this. I find it so amazing how fast she can do this. I can't. I hold grudges forever. Grudges I sometimes don't even know about. I'm still holding a grudge against a kid in my 1st grade class for stealing my glue stick and then losing it. It's pathetic how I cannot let go.

There are few events in the past 5 years that have scarred me so badly, I'm still trying to heal but I fear they're permanent and I wish they weren't. So many things to type...but i don't think I can tell much about them. And then some I've told so many people, it's just not worth the typing anymore. Things with my dad, with Kelly Clark, with certain friends, things with even my sisters....so much and I'm only almost 16? I shouldn't be going through any of this.

I feel horrible about this. I watch tv and movies and there are some characters that go through so much and end their lives...and sometimes...i want to. then i remember my mom. how much would it hurt her if i did that? I don't want to do that to her. To be honest, i don't want to end my life. I really just want to vanish and see if anyone would care? Part of me knows some people would, my mom, my sisters, my cat maybe...but the other part of me wonders about my friends. i sometimes thing for about a WEEK they would care, then they'd just move on. It's very negative of me to think that. i'm sure they'd care, but i don't see them enough to feel like i matter enough. weird, isn't it?

I know this is all in my head. it really is. I have an average to good life. I go to concerts. I'm hardly ever grounded. I have the BEST mom who is ALWAYS there for me. she's my bestfriend. I have two great sisters who are also there for me when they can be. I have a few friends who are...just the SWEETEST people in the world. Everytime I'm with them, I feel like I don't deserve to have them. They're too good to be true and I'm just a burden on their shoulders that I'm forcing them to carry. I really wish it wasn't like that. I don't want to put them through anything that they don't need to go through.

This all makes no sense...it doesn't matter. no one's reading this. it's just my thoughts.





I'm scared. I'm alone. I'm trapped. I'm still here....for now.